Snow White

Just got out of a relationship — with my stepmother! Looking for a man who’s not freaked out by near death experiences and my choice to live with seven coal miners of short stature. No apple picking dates, please!

Cinderella

It’s us against them! Let’s sneak out and dance until 11:59 pm and not a minute later. Learn to accept my anthropomorphic beliefs and/or talk to animals. Hardworking in the kitchen, cellar, and the bedroom. Foot fetish is a must.

Rapunzel

Rock climber needed for scaling tall tower, making out, and fitting a single strand of my hair into a DNA test…

HUMOR

Susan! Joe! Alice! Bob! The gang’s all here! Why don’t we eat outside on our brand new patio! Target’s Springtime Patio collection has everything we need for outdoor get-togethers, from lounge chairs to flatware! Gather ‘round!

Susan, yum! You whipped up your special Kraft Macaroni and Cheese! Nothing beats the quick and easy-to-make deluxe dinner! Whooooooo’s hungry?

Yawning already, Joe? Well, you’re in luck! Here’s a 50-count box of Vivarin caffeine tablets. Just one tablet equals two cups of coffee! Wash it down with espresso after dinner and you’ll fly to the moon!

Speaking of the moon, I see Alice…

I, Splinter, am humbled to welcome you to the ribbon-cutting ceremony for the restoration of 24-hour subway service. What an awe-inspiring moment it is to stand here before you, New York City commuters, Mayor Bill de Blasio, and my fellow rats, to mark this special occasion.

The past year, the rat population has seen its fair share of difficulties, but the restoration of subway service is finally upon us!

Ever since I began living in New York City’s sewers, the subways have remained a beautiful and terrifying mystery. …

If you give mommy a mimosa, she’ll probably want brunch to go with it.

So you’ll have to get out the eggs and ask a nearby adult (not mommy) to put them in a frying pan.

The frying pan will remind mommy that omelets take a while, so she’ll ask for another mimosa. This will remind mommy that you’re out of orange juice.

If you’re out of orange juice, mommy will announce “Are you kidding me? We just got that juice yesterday!”

So she’ll put on a bra underneath her pajamas and walk to the grocery store.

Walking to the…

Satire

Listen up, flower children:

I know you think you’re doing a good deed by planting a tree on Arbor Day, but you never know when a selfish child will come along and hack your beloved seedling from leaf to leaf.

Let me explain.

Before some of you folks were born and could even say the word “tree,” I befriended a little boy. At first, we were getting along swell. The boy liked to swing on my branches and nap in my shade, and all that nonsense.

I said I was happy, but I’ll tell you now: I was not happy.

…

In a major blow to the medical reputation of Doc McStuffins earlier today, the diminutive doc euthanized Clifford the Big Red Dog during a toddler’s independent play.

The child’s mother first noticed her three-year-old son grabbing a Kleenex, then having his Doc McStuffins’ toy place it over Clifford’s snout. When she asked him what happened, the child held up Doc McStuffins and said, “Whoopsies! Night, night, Clifford!”

At first, the mother figured this was just an isolated incident brought on by an accidental viewing of the film Marley and Me. …

Hell Yeah, I Slow Danced to These 7 Glam Metal Ballads at the Middle School Dance

1. “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” by Poison: Trite? Check. Cliché? Check. Sexy as all get-out, check plus.

2. “Love Bites” by Def Leppard: Who doesn’t love a double entendre? Also, the first verse asks eight rhetorical questions in a row. Speaking of rhetorical questions, I wonder how many hickeys one person can get in 5 minutes and 46 seconds?

3. “Love Song” by Tesla: I prayed that one day a hottie with a perm (and a custom double-neck electric guitar) would come along…