Published in Jane Austen’s Wastebasket·PinnedI, Anne Brontë, Beg the Stray Cat at my Graveside for No Fanfare on the Anniversary of My DeathLet us just peacefully exist without anyone noticing our presence — Greetings, Puss. I see you have come to pay your respects. While some artists imagine senseless weeping after their deaths, I, Miss Anne Brontë, am not one who desires such boisterous carrying-on. Pshaw! The last time anyone publicly grieved my death was when I died in 1849. …Cats3 min read
Published in Jane Austen’s Wastebasket·Jul 27, 2021Dead Authors SextingLiterary lovers give new technology a try — Humor2 min readDead Authors SextingLiterary lovers give new technology a try----
Published in Jane Austen’s Wastebasket·Jun 10, 2021Tinder Profiles of Famous Fairy Tale CharactersYour happily every after is a swipe away — Snow White Just got out of a relationship — with my stepmother! Looking for a man who’s not freaked out by near death experiences and my choice to live with seven coal miners of short stature. No apple picking dates, please! Cinderella It’s us against them! Let’s sneak out and dance until 11:59…Relationships2 min read
Published in Greener Pastures Magazine·Jun 8, 2021Retired Game Show Announcer Hosts PotluckGrrrrrreat to see you, folks! — Susan! Joe! Alice! Bob! The gang’s all here! Why don’t we eat outside on our brand new patio! Target’s Springtime Patio collection has everything we need for outdoor get-togethers, from lounge chairs to flatware! Gather ‘round! Susan, yum! You whipped up your special Kraft Macaroni and Cheese! Nothing beats the…Dinner2 min read
Published in Greener Pastures Magazine·May 12, 2021TMNT’s Splinter Gives Ribbon-Cutting Ceremony Remarks on Return of NYC’s 24-hour Subway ServiceRemarks by Master Splinter — I, Splinter, am humbled to welcome you to the ribbon-cutting ceremony for the restoration of 24-hour subway service. What an awe-inspiring moment it is to stand here before you, New York City commuters, Mayor Bill de Blasio, and my fellow rats, to mark this special occasion. The past year, the…Subway2 min read
Published in Frazzled·May 9, 2021If You Give Mommy a Mimosa…What do you think will happen next? — If you give mommy a mimosa, she’ll probably want brunch to go with it. So you’ll have to get out the eggs and ask a nearby adult (not mommy) to put them in a frying pan. The frying pan will remind mommy that omelets take a while, so she’ll ask…Satire2 min read
Published in Greener Pastures Magazine·Apr 30, 2021An Open Letter to Tree Planters this Arbor Day From Shel Silverstein’s Giving TreeStop a minute before you push that “harmless” little seed into the Earth — Listen up, flower children: I know you think you’re doing a good deed by planting a tree on Arbor Day, but you never know when a selfish child will come along and hack your beloved seedling from leaf to leaf. Let me explain. Before some of you folks were born…Trees2 min read
Published in Frazzled·Apr 30, 2021Clifford the Big Red Dog Euthanized by Doc McStuffins During Toddler’s Independent PlayIn a major blow to the medical reputation of Doc McStuffins earlier today, the diminutive doc euthanized Clifford the Big Red Dog during a toddler’s independent play. The child’s mother first noticed her three-year-old son grabbing a Kleenex, then having his Doc McStuffins’ toy place it over Clifford’s snout. When…Humor2 min read
Published in Rock n’Heavy·Apr 6, 2021Hell Yeah, I Slow Danced to These 7 Glam Metal Ballads at the Middle School DanceHell Yeah, I Slow Danced to These 7 Glam Metal Ballads at the Middle School Dance 1. “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” by Poison: Trite? Check. Cliché? Check. Sexy as all get-out, check plus. 2. “Love Bites” by Def Leppard: Who doesn’t love a double entendre? Also, the first verse…Glamrock2 min read
